


The lost one

by LuckyKoneko



Category: Kingdom Hearts (Video Games)
Genre: Ansem is surprisingly nice, Blood, Character Study, Collection of Vignettes, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Gen, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I feel so sorry for Isa I am so mean to him, I originally planned to directly quote canon, I promise it isn't that bad it just sounds bad, Isa are you okay. do you need help., Isa deserves better, Suicidal Thoughts, Torture, Xemnas is an abusive jerk, but canon dialogue was too clunky so I changed it, one of those tags is not like the others, taking some artistic liberties with the dialogue because canon dialogue is clunky, the tags make this sound so much worse holy frick
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-15
Updated: 2020-12-15
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:28:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28079190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LuckyKoneko/pseuds/LuckyKoneko
Summary: A headcanon heavy character study taking a deep dive into Saix' mind and his struggle with his identity, spanning the entire series from the end of BBS to the end of KH3.
Relationships: Axel & Saïx (Kingdom Hearts), Isa & Lea (Kingdom Hearts), Saïx & Xemnas (Kingdom Hearts)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10





	The lost one

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be a quick three scene character study. As you can see, it got way out of hand.

“Isa.”

He snarls, glaring at the person in front of him. There is blood on his face, flowing from the gash between his eyes. It stings where it reaches the corner of his eyes, it fills his nostrils, leaves a strange metallic taste in his mouth. “You killed me” he hisses.

“I separated your heart. It was the only way to save you.”

“Liar.”

Xehanort, no, _Ansem_ gives a wry smile, a smile as false as his words. “If I had not separated your heart from your body, the Heartless would have taken it. You would be gone. Now, you still exist, and there is a chance that you may reclaim your heart in the future.”

“Liar” Isa hisses again.

“Believe what you will.” Ansem turns away. “I am the only hope you have. Without my help, you cannot reclaim your heart no matter how hard you try. You will most likely die within weeks.” He pauses. “How unfortunate, that you choose to leave your friend. It will be your stubbornness that separates you in the end.”

“Lea?!” No, no, this is a lie, Ansem is lying, he has to be. “Where is he?”

“He is safe. I can show you, if you will follow me?” It is phrased almost as a question, a question with only one answer.

Isa sighs. “Fine. I’ll believe you. But if he isn’t there, if you lied to me…”

“I promise, I do not lie.”

Liar.

-

“Saix. You have disappointed me.”

That’s not my name, he wants to say, but he finds himself unable to form the words.

“Do you remember what I told you, the day I gave you your name?”

“We are connected by our loss. Loss of our friends, our families, our hearts, our lives. We have nothing but our names, and even those are no longer ours.” Isa mindlessly recites the Superior’s words. “The X in our names symbolizes this loss. It is our connection to each other, and a reminder to help us remember what we seek.”

“What else did I tell you?”

Isa closes his eyes. “…We can only regain our hearts if we work together.”

“Exactly.” The sharp stench of plasma is the only indication that Xemnas has summoned his weapon. “Since you seem to have forgotten this, I believe you need another reminder.”

Isa feels heat against his skin, against his scar, and a second later, pain. He bites his tongue. He will not scream. He does not scream, even as the wound is reopened, the line extended further up his forehead and down to his cheek.

Xemnas dismisses the blade, watches the blood flow down Isa’s face. He tilts his head in a mockery of curiosity. “Do you believe this is enough punishment, Isa?”

“Yes” he says, and realizes his mistake immediately. He should not have answered to that name. He is not Isa. He is Saix. “No.”

“You still do not understand.” Again, Xemnas summons his weapon, and again, he raises it to Isa’s face.

Isa screams.

He screams as the blade carves through his skin, a new line to mirror the first, the lines crossing to form a near-perfect X on his brow. He screams until he chokes on his own blood and the screaming is drowned out by a fit of coughing.

Again, Xemnas dismisses his blade. “Have I made myself clear, Isa?”

“I am not Isa” he gasps, forcing himself to breathe, to stay calm, to not cry. Crying will not help. He raises his head and opens his eyes, watching his Superior even though the blood stings in his eyes and he wants nothing more than to close his eyes and cry.

Xemnas again tilts his head in this strange mockery of curiosity. “Is that so?” He smiles that strange false smile of his. “Make no mistake, Isa. I do not tolerate treason.”

“I am not Isa” he repeats, his voice steadier now.

Xemnas lets out a soft chuckle. “Does Isa know that?”

Saix has no answer.

-

“Isa?”

He doesn’t answer. It’s not his name. Not anymore.

“Hey, Isa?”

That’s not his name.

“Helloooo, earth to Isa.” Axel waves his hand in front of Saix’ face.

Saix ignores him.

“Hey, c’mon.” Axel’s voice sounds almost disappointed. “Don’t be like that.”

Saix decides to humour him. He takes a step back and folds his arms. “Like what?”

“That. All gloomy and grumpy and stuff.” Axel waves his hand vaguely in Saix’ direction. “What happened to you?”

“Nothing.” Is that a lie?

“That’s a lie.” Axel steps closer. “You’ve been like this since you got that scar – the X. What happened to you, Isa? Where’s the Isa I knew?”

“Isa is dead.” He says it matter-of-factly, and he can tell Axel hates it as much as he can hate without a heart. “My name is Saix. You would be wise to remember that.” He turns away from Lea- Not Lea, Axel- Why does that hurt him? “Now leave me be. I have work to do.”

He receives no answer, only hearing footsteps further and further away until he can no longer hear them. With a sigh, he gazes up at the moon outside the window, far above the castle. It is still small, so small, but when it is completed, he will regain his heart.

Maybe then he will be Isa again.

-

“Saix.”

He flinches, the voice catching him off guard. “I- My apologies, sir.” He turns around and bows his head. “I did not hear you approach.”

“You were distracted.” Xemnas smiles his false smile. “Distracted by what, if I may ask?”

“Thoughts” he says vaguely. The Grey Area is empty, but it is rare to truly be alone inside the castle, and the Dusks are known for gossiping. Best not to talk about things that are better kept secret.

“Oh?” Xemnas tilts his head. “Care to explain?”

Saix shakes his head. “I’m afraid I cannot, sir.”

“That, in itself, is an explanation.” Xemnas smiles. “Allow me to guess. It is to do with the puppet.”

“I…” He can’t lie, he shouldn’t lie to his Superior. “Yes.”

“Or, more specifically…” Xemnas raises a hand to touch Saix’ scar. “It is to do with Axel’s supposed ‘friendship’ to it.”

He leans into the Superior’s touch, seeking connection where there is none. “Yes.”

“Tell me, Isa.” Xemnas abruptly turns away and begins to pace around Saix. “How do you feel about this? Or rather, how do you believe you should feel?”

Saix closes his eyes, listening to the footsteps circling him. “Jealous. Lonely.” He pauses. “…Betrayed.”

“It hurts, doesn’t it?” Xemnas stops behind Saix, his voice a purr in the Diviner’s ear. “Even if it is a false emotion, built on fragments of memories, it is painful. Remember that pain, Isa. Hold on to it. Let it serve as a reminder that the person you believed to be your friend is gone.”

Lea is gone, yes. Axel is not him, but Axel still acted like a friend. Now, Axel is gone, too.

Is it the puppet’s fault? Is Roxas to blame?

It doesn’t matter.

Saix is alone.

-

“Saix.”

He shifts in his seat and raises his head. “The puppet has been eliminated, sir.” It was broken, a failure, and in the end it had proven itself useless. All the good it had done was gather hearts for their Kingdom Hearts, and even then, it had failed more often than it had succeeded.

“I am aware.” Xemnas frowns. “My primary concern is Roxas.”

“He is gone, sir. Axel failed to stop him.”

“Axel failed…” Xemnas repeats slowly. He remains quiet for some time, long enough that Saix begins to grow restless.

“What will you do to punish him, sir?”

Xemnas shakes his head. “I will not punish him. Not yet. No, I will send him to retrieve Roxas. If he fails again, I will consider punishment.”

“As you wish.” Saix bows his head.

“You are dismissed.” Xemnas leaves, but Saix remains in the empty room, gazing at the many white thrones around him. Six are forever empty now. Seven still remain, two of which stand in his way. He must eliminate them eventually, but for now, he must be patient.

After all, he no longer has Axel by his side.

-

“Saix.”

“Sir.” Saix bows his head. “Is Kingdom Hearts ready?”

“It will be soon” Xemnas answers, still gazing at the moon, his back turned to Saix.

Saix suppresses a smile. “Then, can I end this charade?”

Xemnas turns towards him. “You may.”

This time, Saix is unable to hide his smile. “How I’ve waited to hear that.”

He has waited for so long for this opportunity. Roxas took Lea from him, and now…

He opens a portal, and as he steps through, he lets out a soft chuckle.

“Now, Roxas, I will have my revenge.”

-

He sits on the edge of a cliff, legs dangling down, hands folded on his lap, body hunched over ever so slightly. Far, far below him is the valley, and beyond that, the field where the dead Keyblades stand. He can barely see them from where he sits, sunlight glinting on the rusted metal, pinpricks of light between clouds of dust.

Part of him thinks he belongs there, with those who died long ago.

Isa is dead, after all, and Saix…

Saix is unsure whether he truly is alive.

He stands up, looks over the edge of the cliff.

It would be so easy to fall, to fade, to leave everything behind. After all, Saix has nothing to return to.

“I wonder if I should” he mumbles to himself.

Still, he is afraid to take that one single step forward. Afraid of doing the irreversible, uncertain whether he will return to life if this is what kills him… Uncertain if this will even kill him.

He hears footsteps behind him and looks over his shoulder, surprised to see someone he has rarely spoken to. “Good afternoon, sir” he greets his Superior’s counterpart.

The Heartless doesn’t respond at first. “…Saix, was it?” he asks eventually. “Why are you here?”

Saix is caught off guard. “I… I don’t understand. What do you mean?”

“Why are you here? Why did you choose to leave your friend?”

 _I didn’t_ , he wants to say. _I had no choice_ , he wants to say. The words catch in his throat and he remains silent.

“No answer, then.” The Heartless nods. “Sometimes, silence is an answer in and of itself.”

“How much do you know?” Saix asks, suddenly afraid. Does he know about- No, he can’t know, can he? They kept it quiet, they kept their secret…

“I know enough.” Ansem’s expression changes to a thoughtful frown. “More than my other knows, perhaps.” He must have noticed Saix’ confused reaction, as he has the slightest hint of a smile on his face when he continues. “My other is sometimes blind to what he does not wish to see. I have no such delusions. And… Should he choose not to see something, I have no reason to make him see.”

There is an implication in his words, and Saix’ blood grows cold. _He knows. Why is he telling me this?_ An answer comes to mind. He dismisses it at first, but after taking a second to consider it, he realizes it makes sense. _He is doing me a favour._

“How far does this deliberate ignorance extend?” Saix asks eventually.

Ansem smiles. “Far enough that he will not question your absence for a single evening.”

Again, there is an implication, and again, Saix understands. _Perhaps… I should talk to Lea. I don’t want him to remember me as Saix. I want him to remember Isa._

Isa..? He is Saix… Is he?

“Thank you.”

“For what?” The Heartless feigns confusion.

“For…” Isa trails off. _For saving Isa_? He is not safe yet. _For your advice_? What advice? Little was said in words. “…For taking the time to talk to me” he says eventually.

Ansem chuckles to himself. “Thank you for listening, then.”

Isa takes one last look over the edge of the cliff, then turns away from it and opens a portal. No more foolish thoughts, now. Those thoughts belong to Saix, and he is not Saix.

He is Isa.

-

“Well, I guess this was inevitable.”

Isa nearly lets out a bitter laugh, but stops himself just in time. Lea is right, it truly was inevitable, if only because their choices had led them here.

“Who’s the plus-one?”

Xion. Lea doesn’t remember her, of course. Isa glances at her, hoping to see a reaction, but she remains motionless. It seems she doesn’t recognize Lea, and that is… disappointing? Concerning, at least. She needs to remember, he had worked so hard to save her…

“…A true Nobody, hailing from the edge of oblivion.”

That was wrong. He briefly looks at her, then speaks up. “The being before you was recreated… from the records that were left by Vexen.” Still no response. Strange. He had assumed she would know that she had existed before.

“It was erased from all memories, and…” Xemnas pauses briefly. “…it harbours absolutely no knowledge of who it really is.”

That was wrong. It had to be. She has to remember.

Lea looks annoyed. “So, who is it?”

Even that question couldn’t draw a response from her. Isa gives a bitter smile. “Wouldn’t you like to know.” He turns his attention to Kairi. “Even a light as bright as yours will flicker and burn out one day.”

“Certainly the other guardians would not put their precious princess in harm’s way.” Xemnas chuckles. “Do you have a death wish, princess?”

Kairi shakes her head and steps forward. “I can’t always rely on others to save me. I have to fight for myself.”

“Ah, so the princess has grown tired of waiting for the knight to save her.” Xemnas’ expression shifts to a smug smirk. “Are you truly foolish enough to believe you can defeat us?”

“What do you think?” Lea practically snarls.

Isa nearly laughs at that. Lea had set himself up for the perfect answer. “I think you’ll lose, Axel.” From the corner of his eye, he can see Xion perk up at his mention of that name. Is she…

“…Axel?”

He turns to look at her and has to hide his smile. That had been a response, she had repeated the name. She is remembering.

“Yeah, right!” Lea summons his chakrams. “Let’s find out!” He throws both chakrams in one fluid motion, the weapons bursting into flame as they fly through the air-

-And Xion intercepts them, blocking both of them with her Keyblade and sending them flying back to Lea, who catches them and dismisses them immediately.

“That Keyblade… It’s just like Sora’s!”

Isa nearly rolls his eyes, stopping himself just in time. Very observant, Kairi.

“Are you- is that you, Roxas?” Lea asks.

Xion tilts her head. “…Roxas.”

Isa understands now. She is close, so close, and all he needs to do is give her that final push.

“No, it’s not Roxas, Axel.” He glances at Xion as he says that, and she looks back at him and flinches, raising a hand to her head.

“Roxas… Axel…”

A familiar haze clouds his eyes, burning anger welling up in his mind. Not now, please, not now! He needed to see, he needed to know if it was enough!

**_You disappoint me, Saix._ **

He loses control.

He barely notices when Sora joined the battle, only vaguely noticing that someone else was fighting alongside Lea and Kairi. At some point, he briefly regains consciousness, long enough to hear Lea calling out to him.

“Stop it! Isa!”

_Isa._

His weapon clashes with Lea’s, and he is forced back to the far reaches of his mind, barely clinging to consciousness. He can only watch as Lea’s Keyblade is destroyed, as Xion steps in to save him, as she reclaims her identity. He had succeeded. She has the second chance she deserved. Now, the only person missing is…

“Roxas.”

Right on cue. He is forced deeper into unconsciousness and misses most of the conversation, but manages to catch one sentence.

“It seems you’re not as good at winning over people’s hearts as you think”.

If only Xemnas knew how true that was. The Superior truly was blind to what he didn’t want to see.

**_I believed you had learned your lesson. It seems I was mistaken._ **

“These useless pawns… must be cleared from the board.”

He loses consciousness again, and the next and final time he wakes up, he wakes up to pain.

The haze has completely faded from his vision, and he feels a strange emptiness. Something is gone, something that had somewhat filled that void before. Something that was never his.

He stumbles, briefly leaning on his claymore before it vanishes and he falls to his knees. He hears footsteps approaching, and when he looks up, he can see Lea standing next to him. He manages a weak smile.

“Why… so sad..?”

Lea shakes his head. “You let them reduce you to this?”

“What else was there for me?” His smile turns wry and he averts his eyes. “You were all too willing to abandon me as soon as you made other friends… And I was left alone.”

Lea kneels beside him. “Isa…”

“I lost all sense of purpose. Followed what I believed was my only other option.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to abandon you.”

“Yes… I know.” Isa raises his head to look at Lea. “You wouldn’t do that.” He pauses briefly. There was something he had to say. “…But… I was jealous.”

Lea smiles at that. “You admit it.”

“Well, if I make it back… You won’t get it out of me a second time.” He lets out a chuckle and tries to stand up, but the pain is too much and he collapses in Lea’s arms.

“You’ll make it back. I know you will.”

“And here I thought… you’d outgrown the marks under your eyes…”

“…Shut up.” Lea wipes his tears away and smiles. “I’ll wait for you. See you, Isa.”

Isa gives a faint smile. There is still so much that he wants to say, but it would have to wait.

“See you… Lea.”


End file.
